I just spent 10 minutes staring at the selection in the women’s razor section.  Why?  Because I couldn’t remember what damn brand of razor I own.  Oh just look at the packaging you would think.  NO! You think wrong!  They all freaking look the same.  Ergonomic handles with the same swirly patterns and “sea foam” green color.  With names like Venus and Intuition…what in the ever loving hell does that even mean??  I am not looking for a goddess or some mental clarity people.   I am looking for a sharp object to repeated run over my legs so I can feel pretty and stay within the limits of what society considers acceptable.

Seriously, all I want is a blade I can use to efficiently remove hair from my legs.  One that doesn’t clog up after one stroke because the blades are crammed in so close together and you can’t rinse it clean.  If this doesn’t happen to you, what devil did you sell your soul to and can I get their number?  And is it too much to ask for a razor that doesn’t go dull after like the first use?  I mean I am paying an arm and a leg for them in the first place, they least they could do is last more than one use.

Oh and while I am designing my perfect sharp implement of torture, can I get one that doesn’t either carve off my knee or ankle bones?  OMG does that sting.  Such teeny tiny little cuts but gah!  The moment the shaving lotion hits them, game over pal.  It burns, oh it burns us precious!

And another thing!  Those so called “moisture strips”, total crap.  You know what they really do?   They get slimy and gunky and leave a weird film on your legs that won’t wash off.  Off with their heads I say and back to the drawing board on that one.  I don’t want my razor to moisturize anyway, I want it to cut!

Now before you say, “Betty, there are other options than shaving!” I say to you, ha!  Have you seen me, ever?  I am as pale as pale can be.  I want to run singing “fair hair, don’t care” but I would just end up sobbing it cause well I do (in this case!).  I am the poster child for those who cannot get laser hair removal.  And waxing?  Oh yes, wonderful option, repeatedly ripping your hair out by the roots and hoping next time it comes in finer.  Not to mention, you have to make and keep frequent appointments at a salon and that adds up even faster than razor blades!

So some days I am tempted to just let it go and let my legs resemble some new found type of majestic pine tree or Sasquatch, the early years, but then I remember dresses are pretty and I hate pants.  So the vicious cycle of hair removal starts right back up again and I find myself whining to the shower, “but I just shaved yesterday!” while I begrudgingly grab a new razor blade from the overly massive packaging (which is just contributing to landfills people) and hope I don’t get any blood on my nice white towels this time.

Love and beauty is pain,


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