Just about one year ago, I wrote a post similar to this.  It is even harder writing this time, not that I expected it to get easier.  I have rewritten this a ton of times, I am not even certain that it makes sense even now.  But I had to get it out, I had to try and make it all make sense in my head and this is the result.

My heart has shattered into a million places and I am not sure how to put it back together.  Thursday, my fur baby family got smaller when we lost Seamus after long term health issues.  That little ninja kitty is now sneaking into closets in the cat tree in the sky.  And dammit I am not ready for this.  I keep hearing noises thinking he is just around the corner snacking on his dinner or batting at cupboard doors.  But then I remember he isn’t there and he won’t be coming back and it hurts all over again.

As many as you know, I was long term cat sitting Seamus.  He had recently gotten to go back and live with his mom and sisters (though I am not sure how thrilled he was to have to share mom), but for almost a year I got to be live in Auntie.  So while I knew he was leaving my home I didn’t expect that this soon he would be leaving my life.  I always assumed I would get to visit him (frequently) and there would be many more snuggles in my future.

As much as it annoyed me to no freaking end when he was alive, I am really going to miss having him constantly interrupt bath time.  I am even going to miss how he would keep me up at night kneading the covers and me in the process.  Because despite all that Kitty Smalls was amazingly affectionate and he loved to snuggle.  He loved to make sure you couldn’t get up when your alarm went off my laying on your chest and purring. Have you ever tried to dislodge a purring kitty?  It is like trying to move water with a colander.  After a really long day, if I would crash on the couch for a minute he was always there too.  And I loved that.

So this time around I am even more mad. Mad that Seamus didn’t get to live forever like fur babies should.  Mad that I didn’t know the last goodbye hug was forever.  I am mad Heidi didn’t get to have her family together again for more than a week.  But most of all I am sad.  Because none of these things are out of the ordinary.  That we never get to know when that last goodbye will be.

So little Kitty Smalls, Auntie misses you terribly.  I love you monster and I wish heaven wasn’t so far away.

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